“The dreaded P/M word…perimenopause and the finality of infertility.”

Last week, after a year of “Is it, isn’t it?” back and forth, the realization that Perimenopause is here. As I write this, my 44th birthday is in two weeks.  The knowledge that perimenopause beginning earlier for me than the typical woman, was always on my radar. At age 22/23, I started Perimenopause. I was put on massive doses of hormones to keep it at bay and have been on them for over 20 years. This hormonal imbalance and estrogen dominance definitely played into my infertility over the years.  

Coming to terms with my losses and infertility in my mid-30s came about hard. I always wanted to be a mom. Even if it meant being a single mom…and that didn’t happen either.  I have had a multitude of health challenges that made pregnancy difficult.  Getting pregnant wasn’t a problem.  I always said that I could get pregnant if I were looked at seductively from across the room.  Keeping the pregnancy tho…that posed the challenge. 

From Insulin Dependant Diabetes since 1985, Estrogen Dominance, Hypothyroidism, Ulcerative Colitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Auto-immunity, just to name a few…these meant my body was at war with itself, so any “foreign body,” a fertilized egg included, was a risk that needed to be taken care of.  My immune system is like a toddler wanting to help with laundry.  They mean well but actually create more of a mess and chaos than actual help and organization. 

My mid-30s was when I had my last miscarriage. I came to the hard realization that children weren’t meant to happen for me in this lifetime.  And by children, I mean my own flesh and blood I would carry in my womb and birth from my body. That was hard enough in itself, and things have gotten harder.

With the hard fact that I have reached the phase of Perimenopause, it’s now more real and final than ever.  It’s new and fresh, and I haven’t fully felt it in my body, mind, and soul yet. The realness that I will NEVER carry, birth, breastfeed, care for, hold, snuggle, smell, cry over, lose sleep over, raise, be called Mommy, and all the other things I don’t want to think about has begun. 

I spoke with two friends about it this past week, and they both asked the same question when I said Perimenopause.”What does this bring up for you?” Both know my struggles with my losses and infertility. I answered them that I KNOW there’s stuff there. But I haven’t tapped into it yet.  I don’t know when I will. I know I will; I just don’t know when or how.  That’ll come in time…when I’m ready.

These are the Sacred Whispers of my Heart.