My loss.My pain. My purpose.

pregnancy loss, infertility, miscarriage, abortion

7 hours after this sonogram was taken...they were gone.

This was the day that changed the trajectory of my life. 

This day changed me.

This day was the worst day of my life.

This day, while i didn’t know it then, would start the purpose path i am here to walk.

I never knew that someone i never met, but the deepest connection i’ve ever had or will ever have, could influence me in ways i never dreamed of. 

The days and weeks following would be the darkest of my life. 

I cried every day for 6 weeks. I learned to cry silently while at work and at home, I would weep and sob until i couldn’t breathe. 

I learned and experienced the most vile of rejections while down 

I learned that those closest to me could make the worst days of my life about them.

I experienced the most ALONE i hope to never feel again.

I began to search for connection. To search for others like me. I knew they were out there, but i never found them. 

I kept it to myself.  When i did speak to a few select, there was distance, disconnection. 

It’s taken me decades to finally feel all the loss of this day, the one after and the three before. 

At this moment in time, I can’t fully explain or express the full extent and depth of decades of repression surrounding the grief of each of those days and the time following.

All I know is I pieced  putting myself back together in a way that made sense. 

I want to make purpose out of pain and this is my start.

Pregnancy loss, miscarriage, infertility, and abortion affect more than just the pregnant individual.

These are the Sacred Whispers of my heart.